If I have to choose only one word to describe my brainspace right now, it would be ‘scattered’. Quite literally, it’s all over the place, as if I just spilled a whole glass of water on the dining table. 

One thing for sure, there’s no way you would have found me doing this, I mean half laying down on this bed and writing at this hour of the night. I wanted to, but most probably I wouldn’t because I’m one of those persons whom you usually call something like batshit crazy kind of lazy. But here I am, at 2.44 am, with this word vomit, no internet connection, and zero balance on my Bkash to buy any.

This is supposed to go as the very first blog post on my blog (!). Crazy, I know. So, this happened last night. This is one of the many reasons why I am not able to think straight at this moment.

Honestly, I have always considered my writings very sub-par (emphasize on ‘very’). I mean, I have always liked this whole thing of caging thoughts as words. In fact, this is the only thing that made me feel like ” I can do this”, “c’mon it can’t be that bad”, “wow that’s pretty fun” and many more lines as a burst of positive energy you can think of. But I am nowhere near being good at this. I don’t remember being awestruck by any of my write-ups. So, I never really took it seriously. Can I blame myself? No, I just didn’t have that faith in myself, my thoughts, and my words.

But surprisingly, someone did. And I think no one else can ever have that much confidence in my words. I am not even kidding. Out of this big pool of confidence, last night he did the craziest thing that ever happened to me. He got me this website, domain hostings, and all. Then with a straight face, told me to write.

It was fast and puzzling. It felt like I was standing under a big old tree and a flash of lightning struck it to the core. and I, along with the tree, was left there, burnt and crisp. I couldn’t figure out what to say, I kept doing what I do best, laughing it out. Like how it’s not my cup of tea and how I would ruin this blog thing.

Now that a full-blown website under my name exists somewhere in the ocean like the internet, I am kind of bound to constantly put random stuff in it. Pretty random stuff, which could be simply a journal entry like this, or anything really interesting or really bizarre I come across.

All I want for myself is to write more frequently, whether it turns out garbage-y or not. I’m sweating from last night thinking what am I gonna put up here, what am I even gonna write about. I can’t let down myself or anyone anymore, at least not in this case. Already had two consecutive meltdowns in the evening. Can’t afford to expect more. That’s all, full stop.